OK, for the "Terrible Writing Prompts" contest, here's one on prompt #4. This probably won't be that good, 'cause this is last minute 'cause I mis-read the deadline, but here goes, anyway!
--------------------------
The Note.
The piece of paper flutters from his hands.
"Why? Why? Why, why, why?" he asks, sobbing.
He shudders, and cries uncontrollably.
The day started out so well, he thinks. How could this happen? Only $1 got stolen, instead of all his lunch money. He fishes his binder out of the garbage only once, and then he finds it.
He looks over at the main source of his torment. That kid! He did it! He wrote it!
The boy shudders again. "So cruel!" he manages to croak out.
Nobody likes him. He is the nerd, the outcast!
He picks up the note again, reading it again.
"You know that new kid? The one who came here two months ago?"
"Yeah, the geeky one?"
"Yeah, him. Isn't he so frigging annoying? He dresses like a girl! He actually reads a lot! No body likes him! Why did he have to come here and bother us?"
"Yeah, he's so retarded!"
Hah! It was the bully's girlfriend! Whatever he did was to impress her! He would only write a note to her! She was in controll of him!
But... Then, could someone be controlling her? Was she being so cliquish and snooty to gain he favor or acceptance of another party? What was going on in her life?
A soft voice calls to him. "What's wrong? Do you want to go to the office and call home?" The voice belongs to a girl. No, the girl. The only kid who shows him a shred of decency. The only one who ever says hi to him. The only one who cares the slightest.
He can't stop crying and only nods his head, glistening teats rolling down his cheeks and dripping off his chin, almost as if the have a sadness of their own.He gets up and trails after her.
***
Down at the nurses office, the nurse sighed. He had seen it before. The result of obvious bullying. He had done it too many time as a juvenile. And had it done to him. Poor boy... How many others, he wonderes, are suffering today?
***
The next day comes. So does the report.
The girl watches it on the news at school.
..."A thirteen-year-old kid today is reported missing, and presumed dead."
She gasps as the description reels off. It's him!
..."in other news..." the reporter drones on.
The school announcements crackle through the loud speaker. "Please stand for the Pledge."
"He's gone!" the class bully cheers.
"You are so heartless!" she yells at him.
"Why should you care?" he asks, "nobody really liked him, anyway."
"You jerk!" she mutters. "Somebody does like him: me!"
"Of course you would, nerd!" he retorts.
"You..."
"You want to do something about it?"
She backs down.
"Now, class, settle down... Please pull out yesterday's homework." the teacher says, a tear in her eye...
***
The bully's girlfriend sighed. He will never learn, she thinks. Maybe I went too far? Why did i start that note? Gosh how i hate that girl screwing with my life. All because she found out my mom drinks... All this is because of her! Or is it all my fault?
***
The nurse is shocked. The boy from last week... Poor boy...
***
Another life is destroyed. Another human being ridiculed and stomped into the ground. All because of the choice that one person makes: to slander and pick on a kid he barely even knows. The boy is now gone from basic existence. All because of the choice made... All because of...
The Note.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I think this is good, but I also think it could use a little work. First of all, I think that instead of just laying out in front of everyone what's happening, like a distant spectator, I think you should get in the heads of your characters and explain how they are feeling. I understand when you want to leave a little mystery in the story, so that the reader is compelled to read on, but unless that's what you were going for, I think you could change that.
I like the story line, though! I like it a lot, and I want to read more!
This hits pretty close to home for me, because I was made fun of and ridiculed a lot when I was in elementary school. The bullies never wrote notes to each other, though-- I don't think that they knew how to write. >_>;
Anyway, I liked it. It was short, sweet, to the point, and remarkably true. Good job.
Warrior,
Hello! Welcome to YWS - I hope you’ll love it here (: To your critique, though:
Quote:
..."In other news..."
“… in other new…”
Quote:
..."A thirteen-year-old kid today is reported missing, and presumed dead."
“… a thirteen (…)”
That’s all for the line-by-line part. Not a lot, but scores and scores of points for you on that, yes? (:
Anyway. The subject you’ve chosen is a hard one, simply because portraying emotions is never easy. Emphasis is put on sadness and etc. - in sort, that would be this piece. It resolves around emotion, doesn’t it? As to how you did - you did fine. The first section was a nice touch, and that I liked. Later on, though, it seemed too rushed, too fast.
Slow down.
Slow down add descriptions, etc. Build around your idea. Show the reactions not only in dialogue. Write around it, tell us of the characters themselves (not on first section, that was fine), and perhaps setting, etc.
Keep up the good work,
Esme
Thanks for critiquing! I'll fix the mistakes that x0xGilmore Girliex0x pointed out. And yes, the italics did get messed up, and I'll try to fix those up, also! And if they don't get fixed, then I should probably point out that the note is in italics.
Again, thanks!
Hmm... pretty good!
Well, x0xGilmore Girliex0x pretty much nailed it, so that's about all there is. Except the italics: i get the feeling that they didn't quite come out right...
Anyway, it was pretty powerful! (not to perpetuate x0xGilmore Girliex0x, but i will, anyway!)
Again, good job!
Whoa, powerful!!!
First off..... corrections:
should be nobody.
there needs to be a space
Again, there needs to be a space.
The argument between the bully and the girl probably should be a little longer, with the girl showing all kinds of emotion: crying, shouting, stomping, etc. and the bully ignoring her completely.
Oh, and when he first gets the note, and he says "so cruel," I think that is unlikely. When you are hurting like that, you probably aren't going to talk to yourself, let alone say something like "so cruel."
Second......the praise:
Wow, I'm like really sad now. You wrote this, oh I can't even describe what I want to say, overviewing-ly, if that makes sense. The POV you went with was really good and the paragraph at the end made me come to a realization. Its like you only took the important parts, combined them, and then stated the moral. I know this sounds rambly, and I'm sorry, but the way you did this was so good, its hard to describe.
All in all, good job! I would vote for you if the competition was up for a vote. :]